I Don't Mind History Repeating Itself But Lately It Has Been Eating... Radishes

Scene is a clearing in darkest Africa. To men stand in the middle of it:
"Dr. Livingston, I presume?"
"That is correct, Mr. Stanley."
"Doc, I've got this terrible pain in my back...."
"Why tell me? I'm a dentist!"

The 20s were kind of an interesting era. Nowadays, adults are always talking about a dialogue with teenagers. In those days,
it was a monologue: "Shut up!"

In the 20s if you wanted beer, you brought your own pail to the corner saloon. If you wanted milk, your brought your own pail to the grocer.
Same pail. I was the only two-year-old on the block in Alcoholics Anonymous.

Not that it helped. It isn't easy to get a two-year-old to go dry.

Remember the old movies? They were completely silent except for the piano and kids walking around in corduroy knickers.

In the 20s you could buy a car for $600. Nowadays, that's a down payment on the insurance.

I just saw the most realistic historical restoration ever. The four-poster bed is unmade and George Washington's clothes are hanging over a chair.

I just figured out why it's called the extinct dinosaur. Who could make a deodorant that big?

Remember the good ole days-- when a hooker was just a one-fingered pickpocket?

Have you noticed -- most holidays are a day off followed by an off day?

In Hollywood, girls never live in sin. They just have unlisted husbands.