Mark Twain: "There Are 3 Kinds Of Lies -- Lies, Damned Lies And Statistics"

When words fail, use the following responses:

Heard from the kids lately?

Not since I changed my will.

They never call so I can't hang up on them.

Nobody's pregnant and nobody's on dope.

What are you, writing a book?

Why don't you tell me how yours are?

How am I feeling?

...How should I be?
...I'm better than I thought I'd be.
---One step ahead of the devil.
---I'm sound as a dollar and worth more than a euro.
---I'm great but you look even better!
---If I looked any better there'd be a law against it.
--- If I were any better I'd be obnoxious.
----I don't do war anymore.
--- Now I order Chinese.
--- Are you still living with that guy?
---Of course I'm prejudiced! Do you think I am brain-dead?
---We promised not to tell on you.