One Buyer Wouldn't Settle For A House With Parquet Floors, She Wanted Butter

Two elderly matrons were riding the weekday afternoon train back to the suburbs. "What did you do in Boston?" one asked the other.

"I went to get scrod."

"So did I, dear," the first matron whispered to the other conspiratorially, "but I didn't know that was the past tense."

***

Father Duffy and Rabbi Bernstein were playing a friendly game of cards. After they
had a few glasses of wine, Father Duffy turned conspiratorially to the rabbi and asked,"Have you ever tasted ham?"

"Once," came the reply, "when I was in college. But tell me, Father, have you ever been with a woman?"

Father Duffy blushed. "I must admit that once, before I was ordained, I did...."

Silence fell, and then the rabbi said with a smile, "It's better than ham, isn't it?"

***
HERE'S A ONE-LINER: The neighbors said the baby is spoiled rotten -- but I think all babies smell like that.

***
And another: A feminist who was giving a speech in support of the Equal Rights Amendment was interrupted by the deep voice of a heckler from the crowd: "Don't you wish you were a man?" "No," she replied without missing a beat, "How about you?"

What has red hair and lives in a test tube?
Bozo the clone.
***
One strawberry said to the other strawberry, "I would not be in this jam today if I had not been in the same bed as you."
***
As the airplane took off from London's Heathrow Airport, a metallic voice came over the loudspeaker: "Ladies and gentlemen, Vista AIrlines would like to welcome you to the first transatlantic flight that is being controlled completely by computer.

The possibility of human error has been eliminated because there is no pilot and no crew aboard. All your needs will be taken care of by the very latest technology. So relax and enjoy your flight. Every contingency has been prepared for and nothing can go wrong... go wrong... go wrong.
***

What do you call it when you cross an ape with a computer? Hairy Reasoner.
***
"Is this the Salvation Army?"
"Yes."
"Do you save bad women?
"Yes."
"Well, save me three for Saturday night."