You Can Be Like Victor Mature -- Who Overcame Making Clock Hands Still

"No, that can't be my weight. It's my telephone number."
"I always start my diet on the same day."TOMORROW.
There's a moral to this tale: bear with me."After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him."THE MORAL: "When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut."***

"Middle age is when your old classmates are so gray and wrinkles and bald -- they don't recognize you."***
You know when you're over the hill: the only whistles you get are from the tea kettle!"

"My granddaughter asked me what it was like to be old. So I told her...

"Put cotton in your ears,
And pebbles in your shoes.
Pull on rubber gloves.
Smear vaseline over your glasses,
And there you have it: INSTANT OLD AGE."