The Creator Made Every Person Different; By Time He Got To China, He Was Tired

Don't think of yourself a an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful primitive.

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I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

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I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

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We live in the era of the smartphones and stupid people.

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I'm not arguing. I'm simply explaining why I'm right.

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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I am afraid of widths.

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I always arrive late at the office. But I make up for it by leaving early.

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If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

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ENJOY LIFE! (There's plenty of time to be dead.)

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MATH stands for "Mental Abuse to Humans."

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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?

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Marriage is a Workshop... where the husband works and the wife shops.

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Who says Nothing is Impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.

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Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so near to Monday?