People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.
Develop your eccentricities while you are young. That way, when you get old, people won't think you're going gaga.
Instant gratification is not soon enough.
This living stuff is a lot. Too much is not soon enough.
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
It's good to do uncomfortable things. It's weight training for life.
Favorite joke of a celebrated comedian:
"Doctor, please help me," says an elderly patient. "I have silent passage of gas every morning. I have silent passage of gas every afternoon, and I suffer from silent passage of gas in the evening. Sometimes I have silent passage of gas at unpredictable times -- for instance, just now, Doctor, can you help me?"
"Sure, I can help you," says the doctor. "But first you need your hearing checked."
Woody Allen would come back to haunt me if I didn't give him credit for this one: "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying."